Holy hell, it really is bad. I can't leave mistakes in, it drives me crazy. I will leave those other ones, so I can remember why I don't like putting chemicals in my body to change how my mind works. It's all about being able to walk around in this every day life and be part of the every day world and not have people notice that I am NOT LIKE THEM. Or maybe I AM like them, but they are better at hiding the monsters that creep around behind their shoulders. Does everyone have monsters? Are my mountains just molehills I'm too close to?
I waste so much time thinking about how death would be easier than life. How do I know that? I have no idea what happens when people die, and maybe it would be so much worse. Maybe I would have to relive everything over and over until I just give up and experience the horrible shit all the way through to the end.
And I feel so fucking ungrateful thinking that. It's not all horrible shit-- there are beautiful, lovely people in my life, and the world is (sometimes) a beautiful, lovely place. Everything is tainted though-- there are no rose colored glasses on my face. It's all mud and black. Yet there is no way to take that mud from my eyes, because it's been there so long it has become a blindfold, keeping me from seeing what is really in front of me.
Wow, dramatic. Phht. I'm so sick of this shit. It only gets worse, and I have to hide it and hide it and hide it and make sure the kids don't know how much I hate being alive, being in the person I am. (Fuck, I'd better go remove the link to this blog I have on the Facebook. Bleagh.) (I don't like this hiding. I want to live in the sun and spread joyous wonder to the world.)
10 comments:
believe it or not, you live in the sun and DO spread joyous wonder to the world by simply being you...i know the feeling of not being able to escape your body, uncomfortable to live in it, wondering why, why, WHY the fuck.
i think i helped myself by incessant repetition of what i know to be true in my heart, NOT what my "mind" tells me at times. you know how our minds repeat the depressing thoughts over and over? regardless if they are true? sometimes, for me, it's like i just start listening to it, start following the ideas down the path they want me to go, i can feel myself, and my happiness slipping away into a perception of doom, gloom, grey...no spark at all. with the pain of believing that it is all meaningless and futile and horrible.
i HAD to change my perception of the world, i couldn't live with the runaway heart beats, the clutching chest, the otherworldlyness i felt, outside of normal time and other peoples' reality. not getting to sleep, waking at any sound, unable to get back to sleep, waking too early and dreading conciousness.
i had to train my brain to think another way, slowly form new pathways of thinking, reacting, dealing. i would say that tibetan buddhist thought pathways worked for me(mayhap not you)...i use it to plumb my own psychology, why i think and feel this way...it's not a panacea, but it helps me.
i was told 15 years ago i would be on meds the rest of my life, i haven't taken them since, except for a two week period on welbutrin to quit smoking...it made me depressed and horrible, so i stopped, a while later my organic brain(as it is) took back over and i swore off chemicals then forever.
"Kill all my demons and my angels might die too." — Tennessee Williams
i know meds help some, and i know you and i aren't the same. i am just waking up to the fact of how long you have been going through this and how bad it has been. i guess i couldn't picture you having problems like this...to me you are the smarter one, so i thought you would always figure it out.
i didn't know how you felt as a child, how it affected you.
i love you so much bea, we went through it together as siblings, no one else on earth shared our experience, it belongs to us and it part of what makes us such dynamic, loving, compassionate people.
you know how our minds tell us the bad shit over and over ad infinitum? try to do the same with the good thoughts, ad infinitum. it works both ways i think.
i love you and all you have created.
believe it or not, you live in the sun and DO spread joyous wonder to the world by simply being you...i know the feeling of not being able to escape your body, uncomfortable to live in it, wondering why, why, WHY the fuck.
i think i helped myself by incessant repetition of what i know to be true in my heart, NOT what my "mind" tells me at times. you know how our minds repeat the depressing thoughts over and over? regardless if they are true? sometimes, for me, it's like i just start listening to it, start following the ideas down the path they want me to go, i can feel myself, and my happiness slipping away into a perception of doom, gloom, grey...no spark at all. with the pain of believing that it is all meaningless and futile and horrible.
i HAD to change my perception of the world, i couldn't live with the runaway heart beats, the clutching chest, the otherworldlyness i felt, outside of normal time and other peoples' reality. not getting to sleep, waking at any sound, unable to get back to sleep, waking too early and dreading conciousness.
oops, it told my message was too long so i was breaking it up to post separately, but then i saw that it posted
even if you feel fake thinking the good thoughts, even if that sneering voice tells you it's bullshit, and that you are just repeating meaningless words. i think thought creates matter, i think thought creates everything...i go outside and thank the four directions for another day, i do this before i do anything except pee and brush my teeth...it helps me start my mind in the right direction(even if i feel poopy)
You're right. I know that. I just have painful glump in my head right now and can't respond better than this. Or think clearly enough to know how to get the glump out. Thank you.
The Buddhist ways do help, though I was using it through a kind of therapy called DBT (based in Buddhist teachings). I don't have the same therapist anymore and need to find a way to bring those thoughts back to me.
I do need medication, at least for now, because I have to be able to parent and not scream and rage or lie in bed weeping. It's better to be somewhat a zombie. Meds have helped me get a distance from the pain so I can find my way to wanting to live life. I will do anything, even poison my body, to be a better mother to my babies. One day, I will go live in the woods in a more natural way, away from the buzzing of the electricity and the people that scare me.
i agree and think you are doing the right thing, hell yes. i usually kind of wait out my downcycle through television...and i don't have kids, which, joyous as it it is, i can see it being a little hard at times for people wired like us. you have dona a damn great job. they are great beings, and i'm proud to share their dna, it's like i'm in the cool club.
and as far as buddhism is concerned, one of the ones that helped me most when i was really lost was "the tibetan book of living and dying" by sogyal rinpoche. when you read it, you can put it down because as you read, it makes sense, and sometimes it's just such a relief to read something that makes sense! and helps! to me it seemed like i was reading something i alreadu knew and was coming home to...i could cry right now, ok i am crying a little...but from the relief it has given me....thank you little smiling monk guys!
and im not saying you're really lost. you're not. the guys going round and round in midnight express, now they're lost.
Thank you for understanding my reasons for taking the pills. One day I won't anymore, but not yet. My babies are more important-- I gave them too many years of the raging bitch face, and I will not do it again.
amen
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