OK, I will try for every day, whether I want to or not. Maybe it will keep my brain moving forward, not getting lost in shiny lights or buzzing noises.
Speaking of buzzing noises, it didn't really occur to me until recently that I should look into a possible way to stop my tinnitus. There must be some way, right? I can't be expected to listen to this cicada chorus forever, can I?
So, with the persistent headache, the jaw clenching, tooth pain, intestinal upset, insomnia, nausea, incipient mania and all, I am continuing to take the pills. I want to prove to myself that I can get through all of the nasty side effects and see if something can help me. In a few weeks, I will be seeing the doctor again, and in all likelihood will have another pill added to my daily handful. Can't continue on with mania, because it sucks. Well, it sucks after awhile. Sometimes there is a day or so of euphoric mania and I get really productive and feel happy. Mostly it just sucks, though.
Next stop of my medication train? Lithium! Yay! Again! Maybe. I don't know. It's a possibility that a really low dose can help me without turning me into more of a zombie. Last time it was horrible, but I was on so many pills, it's hard to know which one was making my hair fall out and my brain dissolve. It could have been all seven of them combining in a plot to get me.
Today I feel slightly normal, but that is because I have the battle of meds going on inside me. Citalopram making me manic, extra gabapentin chilling me out, leftover fugue from the trazadone I took last night and the clonazepam yesterday... Though judging by how much I am typing right now, is this slightly more normal or is it just manic energy tip tapping away? There is no way to know, because I don't know what normal is for me anymore! Oh joy!
If I were to shoot for my "normal" then I would be depressed, suicidal, irritable and raging much of the time. So I'm trying on these suits of a different "normal" and seeing which fits best. Thus far, the zombie apathy suit does not feel very comfortable. The tooth grinding jitterbugging manic suit doesn't either.
Fuck, I just totally lost my train of thought. This brainless suit sucks. And I think the zipper is stuck and I can't even get it off.
2 comments:
is it possible to stop all the man made chemicals? i'm not saying it's possible, or the right thing to do...it's just that i have this fantasy that goes like this: you stop taking all the chemicals, all of them. all you put in your body is delicious good healthy food, and good liquids. this must go on for some time, for it takes a long time to get that shit out of your system, from what I understand(bear with me here, i know it's not this easy...or is it?) so after a month or so, you might have rid your body of most of the chems. ok. now you are like a baby again almost., you have to relearn a lot of stuff. this takes time and repetition, but so does the alternative(meds, docs, feeling horrible) they tell you it takes time for the chems to get into you to start working, the reverse is the same i think, but it takes longer to recover from years of chems i would think. anyway, my fantasy continues: it has been a few months and you have been going through alot of what you kind of expected to go through, but then you realize something;you are fucking smart as hell. like mega-mind smart. not in a reclusive math genius smart, but a more organic, free flowing art mind. and not only are you smart as hell but one of the most creative people on the planet...i am not bragging here, just stating facts. so it dawns on you to THINK your way out and up. you see tiny progress at first, but the bitch depressor is still there, all the bullshit still persisits, but every now and then you see a crack in the bullshit...you hang onto that crack and you widen it...next thing you know things are only crappy 80% of the time, but 20% is ok....and then you realize that YOU are doing something. not pills, not pot, or alcohol. your own thinking and logic, and compassion(compassion for yourself)..you go for a while, years maybe, at 20 percent OK. then one day you notice its at 50% and you didn't even realize it. holy shit! 50% whoooohoooo! but then the bad 50% was still there, but it was easier to take because of the good 50%, it kicks the nbad 50%'s ass! in that it is so much nicer than the bad 50%. soemthing inside tell you that ALL humans have poles, all humans swing back and forth their whole lives, some more than others, some higher frequency, some low frequency, some high intensity coupled with high frequency(makes for some damn intense people)...(cont')
(cont')
i remember about a year ago i went into a manic phaze that lasted about 4 months. i was joyous with existence! i painted, i made drawings, wrote poetry, put up a 500 sq ft raised bed garden, all the time knowing i was in a manic phaze. people said i talked too fast, i was dressing different, changing....this manic phaze coincided with me wanting to dress like i wanted to, not what society thinks i should look like...this included growing my hair long. well, over a year later, i'm still growing my hair, and the garden i put up with all that energy is bearing fruit now. looking back i'm somewhat embarrassed, because i get very passionate about certain things, that, looking back on, i was making a big deal out of something i don't give a crap about now...a doc at the VA told me(my gen prac)..he said that i was add. but then he went on to say that it seems like the best people are add, the life of the party, the movers and shakers, people that get things done, people who hyperfocus. he says society needs us, and not to change, haha
ok, my fantasy: so you got to this place that wasn;t happy all the time, and wasn't sad all the time, they both kind of came and went, but all the while it all seemed ok, you just take every now as it comes. you live in the now(as you know) and in the now, nothing is coming. all that exists are the people that love you and their beautiful hearts. we are the heart clan, we live by our hearts, it is our shield, our sanctuary. when it is all just closing in and the darkness is winning, retreat into the ball of love in your center and slough off all that exists outside of it. sit in it and emrge in it, and direct that love at everything. this is nic, and i am a surviving bi-polar, manic depressive add nutcase not on any meds but pot, signing off. i love you.
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