Thought about the bridge.

(reposted from my CB blog) 

This has been a week (hell, a fucking lifetime), of "opportunities for growth" as my old DBT therapist used to say. Well, you know what? I am FUCKING SICK OF GROWING. I went to see my friend's band play tonight, because he is a very good person and I wanted to support him. Even though I am having some hallucinations, delusions, seeing things in the wrong way and I am filled with fear. But I did it because I have got to change something. If I can't travel 1 1/2 miles to see my friend, what kind of life is this?

It was so hard.

Surrounded by people I know, in a familiar place, and I was scared. Scared because bad shit kept happening. I felt like my leg bones were melting and was worried I was going to just fall over. Lights. The lights kept me trapped, seeing light everywhere. Everything is light. Without light, we could see and be nothing? But do we have light inside of us? If we don't, then we are nothing.

The neon red light on the building across the street was so bright, and wind blowing tree branches made that light a living thing. I kept trying to figure out if the light was bright enough to set the building on fire.

Twitchy, twitchy, jumpy. I am so tired of looking like a weirdo, mesmerised by lights and chewing my nails to stumps. Tap tap tap, shake shake shake.

There is something in me. It is making me shake. I can feel it trying to come out. There is one me stupefied by the pain I live in, and this other me, or thing, something that wants to shake me until my teeth rattle and I cry and flow into the tree or the song or just the fucking FEELING of beauty and love and being so connected to everything.

But that thing brings fear. Every sound, everything that looks off, the fucking cat staring out the window. What is he looking at?? It's DARK outside!

I was so sick of it all. So done with this constant battle. Up, down, mixed all around. Psychosis, delusions, hallucinations. IT IS NOT SOMETHING ANYONE SHOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH.

And as I watched my friend play, watched the light beam pour onto him, I remembered the bridge. I remembered tonight, because I've been here before. The rain, the lights, the sounds, the bridge. And I realized that tonight is my last night. That I would stop on the bridge, and I would just step off of it. And it would be cold and terror, but it would be over.

I deserve release.

But always, always, always, what pulls me back from that release are my children. The horror they would have to live with. That I didn't love them enough to stay.

So I drove home, I drove over the bridge in fear, but I kept driving. And now I am here. I have to write it where people that know what this is like might see it. To remind me, and remind me-- no release. Not that way.

Some of what has brought me to the brink recently:

* finally really broke up with my partner last weekend (even though I am still very much in love with him, and it hurts so, so much)

* so he took sleeping pills and drank beer and had some sort of freak out and got arrested, then got out of jail and is now in the hospital- I am pretty sure he would be dead by now if he weren't

* two different therapists told me I shouldn't see him or speak to him, I need to sever our connection- SO FUCKING HARD

* my father is suicidal- he lives outside in the woods in Virginia, so no way I can get to him

* I'm in and out of psychosis, which is scary and sucks-- I am so scared that I will just get sicker and sicker until I can't care for my kids-- AND I have to start an antipsychotic again, even though my doctor & I gave them up years ago because they make me so sick

* I just found out that a long standing family friend, who has always been really nice to the kids, is a pedophile

That was all just in the LAST WEEK.

Oh, and my youngest is having a psych. eval. next week because he might have a mood disorder.

I beat myself up, thinking that I am doing something wrong to end up with so much trauma and strife. But so much of it is out of my hands, it just happens. Maybe I need some sort of energetic karmic realignment or something......