Something I wrote almost a year ago:
I'm definitely having delusional periods, and weird auditory & visual stuff (did you know that sound coming out of someone is a tangible *thing*?? it's almost like synesthesia, I think). Tiny people that make up all the shadows in the world. Shadows are parts of ourselves copies with our DNA that we leave everywhere. I'm not sure what I have dreamt and what has actually happened. Everything around me is a 2 dimensional painting. Blah blah blah... Stuff like that. And worse.
...............
My doc knows that it is activating me, and knows that I am keeping close track of what's happening. Maybe I will call him tomorrow and explain a bit more about the little people that rub shadows out when we move.
3 comments:
The furious ups and downs; the stagnant stupidness of blahhh; the many thoughts of death that seem to arise quietly, soft and dark...they soon rush to the forefront of my brain to crush and immobilize me. Then I begin to write about it all; how I don't want to live through this again. But inevitably it lifts when it decides to, and I feel better for a while...my mood cycle has no pattern, no rythym, I don't get it. Fuck it, I say. This must be life! So fuck also, if you will, those motherfucking thoughts of dying. I wrote once (maybe 6 years ago) I want to kill the desire to kill myself.
We need to live. For the people that love us. For the people that love me. For the people that love you. Stay alive.
You write beautifully. I want you to hang on.
Thank you, Simone. I'm sorry that you live with this as well. It's a stupid burden, but sometimes I get the little glimmers of Knowledge that make me feel special and I try to hang on to that. That it hurts so much, but I am Special and can handle as much pain as comes my way.
The internet has been a good tool, to find other people like myself, to see that I am not the only one, that what I experience is normal in the abnormality of mental illness. I'm glad to have met you. Now I'm going to see if you have a blog I can read, because I like the way you write as well.
Oh, and also, about your cycles having no pattern or rhythm-- I have a similar problem a lot of the time because I cycle so rapidly and end up being in a mixed state so frequently. I use Moodtracker.com daily and it has been enlightening. Where I though there was no pattern or reason, I can see it come through with the graphs and such. It also shows me when I am veering off in one direction or another, and confirms things that I already thought (that I don't sleep enough and that I am anxious most of my days).
Post a Comment