It's been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely time. Not really. It has been a long time, but how can I be lonely when surrounded by so many people? The sproglets, the sproglets friends, the man sometimes... Yesterday I even had a friend visit, with her three children.
At this point, I am fat, I am confused, I lack motivation, but actually, that sounds like always. Only more so. Which is in my mind because I am reading Just Like Someone Without Mental Illness Only More So by Mark Vonnegut. Not only did he get the crazy from his father Kurt, but he got the writing ability (somewhat, but fer real, how many people can write like Kurt did?). At first, the book was giving me hope, because Mark was able to get well and go to Harvard Medical School. Then I realized that A) I am much older, B) I am single with four children, C) I'm not very close to being "well," and D) my father may be brilliant, but he ain't Kurt Vonnegut.
Back to the fat, unmotivated lump that I am. I have found a miracle drug! It's called lithium, and it turns out that when my dose is gradually increased, instead of being slammed with a huge amount all at once, I don't get sick and want to die from it. Until the last couple of days, I have had QUIET in my head. I have never had quiet, I didn't even know that the constant racket and nasty thoughts and horrible pinching, smacking voices were abnormal. I thought everyone lived like that. Anyway, the quiet was blissful. I was floating in a cloud of I-don't-care-serenity. The last few days I have been really irritable, and in the last two days a dense fog of confusion has replaced the quiet. I hope it's transitory and not just the way things will be. Because I need that quiet. Now that I know it exists, I want to keep it. I don't care if I am fat, confused, trembling, emotionless and trudging through my days.
I wish I still believed in a god, because I would be praying. I would sacrifice toy bunnies on an altar of Lincoln Logs to keep the quiet.
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