When I was driving to the old guy's house last week, I saw a crow standing in the gutter. He was just standing there, looking defeated, not moving, with his head turned toward the curb. I think he might have been dead, but dead and standing?
Maybe he was just ready to be dead, and waiting.
I know the feeling. Not that I will give up, not that I will make it happen, because I just can't. I made these little people and they have certain expectations of me. Mostly that I will be here. Be here when they are too scared to sleep and need to make a nest in my room because they can't stop thinking of scary zombie eyes. Be here to give them hugs before they go to school. Or just goddamned be here, breathing, even if I can't do anything at all.
I collapsed into bed at 8 last night. Eleven hours later, I finally struggled enough to get out of bed. My head was so full of noise and pain, my heart was pounding so much, I thought maybe I was dying, but there just wasn't anything I could do about it because I just had to sleep. I feel basically the same way now, but I have to try to study. I don't want to fail this class now, not now when I am so close to the end and I have struggled so much to keep going.
God, the desire to just slash myself up, peel my skin off, explode out of my body, has been so strong lately. I need a vacation. I need to just STOP.
1 comment:
you have an intense brain that needs intense outlets...i get the feeling of being trapped inside a body. it happens, then goes away. but i sleep regularly most of the time,...i have know the times where i couldn't though
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