I was looking at my last post, because somebody ought to or it might get lonely, and I misread the title as "Blueberry face" which made me a little bit happy for a second. Then I remembered that it was about crying and sadness and then I felt sad again. Which isn't too surprising, since I am manic depressive with the emphasis on "depressive" at the moment. Depressive with a horrible tooth grinding mania trying to break through and destroy my life. It makes for being confused and upset. The wonders of modern medicine-- I'm not getting holes drilled in my skull to let out the demons, but I am taking little pills that sometimes help the demons grow stronger. So then I take other pills to make the demons shut up, but then I am stupid.
I am writing this today to prove to myself that I am not stupid. I can read and write. I can perhaps make coherent statements about the grinding, stupid demons in my head. But that isn't quite getting it-- I write "stupid" and I mean "actually not intelligent" as in my demons aren't clever any more. Just plotting my destruction in a slow and boring way.
They used to be more interesting. First they would get me feeling really HAPPY and then I would run around seeing everything all bright and shiny like the sun was shining from my eyes and then my eyesun would get really bright and I would realize that I was going to explode into a million motes of energy and light and become one with the universe.
Now they just stupid me to death.
Having a stupid cascade of stupid events crashing down on my head like a tsunami of stupidness. Losing my beloved therapist, getting really sick, getting in a stupid car crash, being taken to stupid court by a stupid ex-doctor, losing my stupid income so that I won't be able to finish stupid school, taking stupid pills that make me stupid and I can barely see my computer or type (sometimes pills make me transpose words and letters). It's all so stupid but I can't seem to escape it. I'm too slow and stupid and limping along.
Maybe I should go live in the woods and eat blueberries.
5 comments:
I'll meet you there in the woods. Don't worry, we can have separate hobbit holes to live in.
Hi! I forgot that someone might actually see what I write and respond! Yay! That's a lot of exclamation points. !!!
Perhaps we could start one of those compounds like the crazy militia people have, only ours would be hobbit holes and we would be armed with raspberry branches and squirrels. It's probably a good idea, because I'm pretty sure zombies are going to show up and take over, and we would be a lot safer in the woods.
i am very happy that pop has been living in the woods so long now...he can show me the ropes when i have had enough...8~)
He can show all of us the ropes! You bring those living off the grid books when you come visit, OK?
i would love for us all to be a nomadic goat herding family, living off goat lanscaping...there is a guy near him that makes like 500 bucs a day just letting the goats eat peoples weeds...
you talking the foxfire books? im not sure if i have them, pop might have them...they might be in your box of books, which has milton amongst many other great classics...i will look for them...tom has all the mother earth news for like 20 years or something crazy
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