Surge.

Being off the Stelazine entirely brought me to surges, surges, surges, crash. I felt really open to the world, to possibilities, and willing to accept something amazing. Hoping for that something amazing. I was so revved up and joyful, I could just feel it happening. Each day was fun, I was living enthusiasm. But that something didn't happen and I dropped off into the depths for a minute or two.

Then I remembered that my life is what I make it, how I feel does not need to be manipulated by outside forces (they're always there, trying). I don't have to rely entirely on the wash of chemistry in my brain. Once, long ago, someone said that I needed to just pull myself up by my bootstraps, and I said FUCK YOU. Back then, it was impossible. I'm a new person now, and I can do whatever I want. And what I want is not to wallow in disappointment that I didn't get a present from the universe. I want to yank those fucking straps and get back to dancing.