Clean.

I'm so clean. What a nice bath. Candles and everything. Oh, yes, so nice.

Except my heart has been racing so much, everytime I tried to relax, put my head under the water, it was going TRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRTRBAMBAMBAM which makes it kind of hard to relax. Since I thought I might be dying or something.

I think it might just be that I am fat. I've gained thirty pounds in the last year, twenty of it since I left the hospital. If I weren't so blank and also really depressed, that would probably bother me. I know I need to do something about it, because I really don't like being all smooshy and jiggly and gross, and I really don't want to get diabetes or have a heart attack.

Fuck, I'm old enough to just up and have a heart attack just from being overweight.

God, old, fat, mentally ill. I'm glad I'm not interested in ever having another relationship, because I'm not quite a catch no more.

I'm going to smoke a cigarette and have a soda. Fuck being old and fat. I don't care.