It really is. What is difficult is letting go of all the bullshit which gets in the way of happiness.
Those stupid expectations, assumptions and reactions we hold dearer to our hearts than our own mothers. Ways of being so intrinsic to who we think we are, we don't even notice them. They have become like breathing, and how do we stop breathing long enough to see the layers of poison we carry in our hearts?
That is also easy. Just stop.
Yesterday I was walking in the forest, not seeing anything but the roiling darkness in my head. Carrying on imaginary conversations with the man I love, all of them terrible and sad because they are not real. I love him but cannot be with him, and that is that. But old habits have reached up from the graves I tried to stick them in, and dragged me down. Bitter words on constant loop in my head- I want, I want, I need, I need, it's not fair, not fair at all, why why why, maybe, if only...
Anyway, there I was tormenting myself, not feeling anything but pain, and a wind blew past. The tall beech next to me shook her branches at me, said STOP. And I stopped. And I looked. And saw all that I had forgotten. Felt the warm wind on that beautiful sunny day in the forest, smelled the clean air, held the tree and listened. Listened to myself feeling good, happy, quiet and peaceful. Thanked the tree and went on.
It is easy, when I let it be easy. It takes being mindful, letting go of expectations and assumptions, being present in the moment, every moment, and stop holding onto the pain.
The pain is my most familiar companion, but it kills me.
This is the beech's reminder to me, just be free.
No comments:
Post a Comment