Disconnect.

I tried writing in this thing awhile ago, but it wouldn't let me. Gave me some mumbo jumbo about not having some kind of something or other. As you can tell, I am well versed in computer lingo.

Anyway, I haven't had much of a drive to write here. Busy, not thinking too much, maybe less miserable... Also spent almost a month on a trip, and though I had access to my computer some of the time, I was too busy actually living life to bother with it much.

Trying to find something inside me that makes me smile or cry or laugh. Pretty much any feeling, actually. Disconnected from emotion, from even the memory of it. I was just thinking about my son and his girlfriend, trying to understand why they care if they see each other. I've forgotten what it's like to feel a connection with another human. I try to imagine finding another partner, and I can't see the point. Disconnect.

Maybe stopping the antipsychotic will help connect me more. It's a dangerous choice, because I am really fucking bugshit crazy without it sometimes, but my doctor thinks it's worth trying to get me feeling again. Starting tomorrow, I get to begin tapering off of it. So, if there is a sudden torrent of nonsensical writing here, the cause will be known.

Why do I write as if I am talking to someone? Nobody reads this. Hello? Are you out there?