Dork.

I feel like such a dork sometimes. I want to be friendly to interesting people, but I don't have very good follow through. Just now, as I was riding my bike, some nice people with an awesome Westfalia van waved hello and told me they liked my dress. I waved back and said thanks, and that I liked their van. What I wanted to do was stop my bike and visit with them, but I was too nervous. They had New York plates, so it's not as if I would have been making close friends or anything. They were obviously nice, so were unlikely to judge me for being too friendly (which, by the way, I am so fucking sick of-- if I try being friendly, I often get the incredulous WTF look from people). Maybe I didn't know what I could talk to them about. I didn't have a script prepared. And this fucking ever present anxiety demands it. Demands that I be ready to carry on a deep conversation with anyone I speak to. Be prepared for any eventuality.

Since I am rarely prepared, I just kind of bob my head and half smile and scurry past the people I want to know. I don't have this problem, at least to the same degree, with people I don't care about. If it's just some lady in the store that wants to chat about organic bananas, I can blather on and on... Maybe that's it. I don't want to blather on and on to people that I want to be friends with.

Fuck it. I'm going back by there. I forgot the compost bucket last time I went to the garden, and it's a good reason to wander back by. I'll even try to go without taking one of the kids as psychic protection. And if they're gone, well, at least the compost got dumped.

Edit:

I ran into one of them, introduced myself, then chatted for a few minutes. I would have talked longer, but the kids were ditching me, and since I was supposed to be walking with them, I left. A long while later, passed the people again, but it was dark and nobody said hi, so I just kept walking. Of course, if I were still drinking or smoking pot, I probably would have stopped and hung out with them. Being sober makes so many social situations awkward. I'm also starting to get the sad feeling that people younger than me will view me as "that old lady" and not connect so well.

Oh, and that compost? It is a good thing I dumped it tonight. It was becoming a thing of evil.